"Aah dekh! Aah Dekh! Aa teri maa...aisi taisi"
"Lahore mein Tiranga hoga!”
WHEN YOU WERE HAVING DINNER, India and Pakistan launched a full-fledged war. A Pakistani missile appeared from nowhere all of a sudden on the screen and the Indian side only had a cast-iron arrow but soon a cannon was requisitioned when Pakistanis ran away, but not before shouting slogans of Pakistan Zindabad and Khalistan Zindabad.
Thanks to audio volume controls and lungpower of a dedicated anchor son of Bharat Mata, India won the day and even declared not just victory but its solemn intention to hoist a tricolor in Karachi and making Pakistanis salute it.
Welcome to Arnab Goswami's war theatre, enacted in the garb of a debate called "Poochta Hai Bharat
." Arnab, known for his histrionics when it comes to Pakistan, outdid himself by declaring that soon the Indian tricolor will fly in Karachi, but things were soon to get out of hand.
With four Pakistani guests on his show, Arnab took up cudgels with one who had prefixed Engineer to his name. "Why do you call yourself an Engineer? Your name is not correct?" Arnab's Defence Analyst Gaurav Arya took further exception to the suffix in his name "Gujjar." "Yeh naqli Gujjar hai, chori ka naam hai. Asli Gujjar India mein hote hain," he shouted.
But the Pakistani proved to be a little too much for Arnab and his nationalist guests that included Major General GD Bakhshi, and Maninderjit Singh Bitta apart from Gaurav Arya. Lt Gen (Retd) Gurmit Singh of 15 Corps also joined them, backing every statement by Bitta, saying, "Bitta Ji theek keh rahe hain
"Bitta Ji", however, did not say much except that the ISI of Pakistan knew him well, it had launched multiple attacks on him with 40 kg of RDX once and 45 kg of RDX again, and that he will personally finish off the Pakistanis before Indian security forces.
Soon, the enraged Pakistani brought a toy missile into the frame, and seemingly launched it repeatedly, plonking it into the camera. Caught unguarded, Bitta marshalled a funny-looking Arrow from somewhere, and for several minutes continuously kept threatening not just the Pakistani guest sitting hundreds of miles away but the entire might of Pakistan Armed Forces.
As soon as Arnab saw what Bitta had got, he sensed great television. "Bitta Sahib ko full screen dikhayiye...kya keh rahe the Bitta Sahib Aap...Bitta Sahib, kya le kar aayen hain aap. Kya hai aap ke haath mein, dikhayeye inn ko!" This was Arnab, exhorting Bitta to somehow plunge the Arrow into his Pakistani guest.
Bahadur Bitta acted on cue: "Yeh dekh! Yeh dekh!! Mera to tayar kharra hai - Yeh dekh - tere ko thokkenge!"
About 27 and a half minutes into the programme, Bitta brings a "top" (cannon) into the frame. Arnab, seeing this, tells the Pakistanis - "Bahut zayada drama kar rahe hain aap, sab mazaaq uda rahe hain aap ka Bharat mein." Clearly, he did not find anything funny in what Bitta was doing on his show.
At times, Arnab would drop his volume and talk solemnly, empathising with what he thinks Pakistanis are: "Dekhiye aap Pakistani ho, aap ka durbhagya hai...Pakistani hee maroge... - Aaj apni auqat bhool gaye ho tum, Pakistaniyo! Tum kaide mein raho, beta, tum kaide mein raho, tabhi fayade mein rahoge!"
It was not immediately clear in which part of Pakistanis, people were trembling in fear at such cold-blooded threats.
And how come some Pakistanis live in houses? Arnab had an explanation: "Batware ke samay hum ne 65 crore rupaye diye the, tab tumhare sir par chatt aayee thi.."
Lt. Gen. Gurmit Singh paid tribute to Bitta: "Jo Bitta Ji ne bola, bilkul theek bola.....Pakistan pooran roop se barbaad hone wala hai ... Pakistan bilkul tootne ki kagaar par hai
." Somehow, the same words have so far not come from India's defence establishment.
Bitta, it seemed, was the last line of defence that Arnab and his Defence Analyst Gaurav Arya had during the entire programme. Arya kept calling the Pakistani missile model, being waived by the Pakistani guest, a 'pencil'. It had some kind of a rotator at the end. Arnab seemed to come close to reality when he said this particular Pakistani "mansik taur se pagal ho chuka hai. Inn ka dimaag kharab ho chuka hai."
But now Bitta was double armed — a cannon ready to fire and an iron arrow that he repeatedly threatened to launch. "Yeh dekh, tumhe do do thokoon"
. (See here, I will fire both these into you!)
The Pakistani guest kept calling Bitta names, abuses, and repeatedly referred to his Sikh religion, and kept raising slogans of Pakistan Zindabad and Khalistan Zindabad, a move that prompted Bitta to launch into full-throated Hindustan Zindabad cries repeatedly.
But by now, Gaurav Arya seemed to be clear that his arguments were not enough to give it back to the Pakistanis. Some 29 minutes and 10 seconds into the programme, Gaurav Arya took stock of the situation and gave an all clear to Bitta to open fire. "बिट्टा जी, आप तोप चलाइये इस के ऊपर!" (Bitta Ji, aap top chalaiye is ke oopar! Mr Bitta, now you please open cannon fire on them.)
Within seconds, Arnab Goswami was talking to BJP national spokesperson Gaurav Bhatia, and repeatedly said that he will now show how Indian political party's spokesperson behaves compared to Pakistani political party spokesperson who are uncouth and rustic.
"Sochiye, kitne frustrated hain aaj Pakistani." This was Arnab setting the tone, but at that very moment, an angry Maninderjit Singh Bitta brings in someone's mother into the debate — "Aah dekh! Aah Dekh! Aa teri maa...aisi taisi (29:36 onwards)
But Arnab Goswami continued: "Aadmi ki pehchan hoti hai ke kis tareeke se baat kare, kis tarah apne aap ko carry kare..." (A person is known by the wat he conducts himself, by the way he articulates his viewpoint.) He even resorts to poetry: "Kashmir to hoga lekin Pakistan nahi hoga..." went the poem.
But ten minutes after Bitta referred to someone's mother, Gaurav Bhatia was provoked enough: "Agar zayada uksayenge to Lahore par bhee tiranga fehrayenge!" (If you provoke us any further, we will hoist a tricolor in Lahore!" Being a national spokesperson of the ruling BJP, Bhatia seemed to be over-reading his party's manifesto. Officially, the BJP has so far not made public any intention of marching into Lahore and capturing the vast territory of Pakistan.
But Gaurav Bhatia seemed to be privy to some serious intra-party planning and certainly gave away some top secret strategic military information. After calling the Pakistanis "tiddi (locusts), kutte (dogs), and geedar (jackals)," he said, "Hamari sena itni goliyan chalayegi, khoke ginte poori zindagi nikal jayegi!" (Our army will fire so many bullets, that Pakistanis will spend a lifetime counting the shells.) Bhatia did not clarify why an inimical country would spend time counting shells, or if India ever did that in any war!
At around 40 minutes into the programme, Arnab wanted to wrap up the superhot show with some choice abuses. Since a mere "Bhikhari...!"
(beggar) won't do, he tells Pakistanis: "Tum keede ho, bilbilate ho. Hum sher hain, hum dahadte hain!
" (You Pakistanis are vermins, you grovel. We are lions, we roar!"
And then he turns into a reverse engineering expert and wants his Pakistani guests to go home and analyse their atomic bomb again.
"Aaj ghar jana to check kar lena. Ghar jaana, bomb ko kholna. Bomb ke andar tumhe barood nahi, tiddi milegi tiddi, Pakistan ke paas ek hee bomb hai - Tiddi Bomb." (Wonder if you will need the translation: "Go home, open the bomb. Inside you will not find any dynamite, instead you will find locusts. The only bomb Pakistan has is a locust bomb!")
By now, Arnab is on to Pakistani culinary scene: "Tum ne kal Tiddi Biryani khayee thi ke nahi, mujhe batao! Aaj Pakistan mein sab se bada favourite Tiddi Ki Biryani, Tiddi Ka Shorba, aur Tiddi Ka Korma. Hai ke nahi?"
"Aaj raat ko tum Tiddi Biryani khaoge, is mein koyee sharam ki baat nahi hai, tumhari halat hee aisi hai....achha yeh batao, kal Tiddi korma khaya tha ke nahi...."
(We refuse to translate locust cuisine into English as that destroys the flavour which only comes from Arnab Goswami's Hindi! — Editor)
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